A couple of my friends and I went to practice our kayak lessons on the lake today.  I took the last lesson solo and I could not get the roll portion down.  Even my strokes were like the first day.  I have been taking so long between classes (2-3 weeks +) that the lessons are not sticking and I am having to relearn things that I should already know.  The main part of this is that I do not own my own kayak and the classes range from $50-80 a lesson.  It is worth the money, but I hate to spend money when I can practice the basics on my own.  I do wonder if an immersion process would have been better to force us quickly through the steps without much thinking.

Well, we all have kayaks now.  So there is no excuse.  I would like to stick with it for the next few weeks.  If I am serious about it then I need to shell out more for a wet suit.  That just seems to be the tie in this world that is limiting.  We can essentially do what we want, but it does cost money.  To get money I need to have an education and an attitude for success.  I save and budget to show the respect for the process.  I have to put in work to get something that I want.  Is that a bad thing?  Sure I would like to win the lottery, but is working to get what I want so bad?  Larger goals may take longer, but if I have vision for what you want, maybe I can achieve it sooner.  To do this, I think that I have to quit imaging the way.

I want to take a vacation to Hawaii with my family.  If I imagine that I am going to work and save up all my money, I am effectively setting an expectation that it will happen, but it will take months or years.  If I imagine that I am going to win the lottery, then that feels somewhat greedy.  I imagine that I inherit money, but I don’t want anyone to die for me to be able to realize a dream.  I would like to drop all expectations of how it will happen and allow it to happen.  I need to drop all expectations of what it will be, what I think it should be and imagine it happening.  It is a practice to let go of the path and trust the way.

My biggest issue with kayaking is ironically the water.  I am getting over my fear of being underwater and learning more patience at the same time.  Funny enough, I think part of this is the wording of thoughts in my head.  I am trying to go from thinking or saying  “rolling is difficult for me because I have a fear of drowning”, to “I am getting over a fear of drowning that I had in the past”.  The fear is not happening now, it happened.  I still think that is negative because that implies that the past is a certain way and I was a certain way in the past.  But all of that is just a fabrication of my mind churning though bits and pieces of memories that it needs to support my current thought pattern.  In other words, I cannot say how I was in the past because the past is not happening now other than through a chain of thought that branches off from the actual current moment.  So I did not have a fear of drowning in the past.  The fear certainly does not exist in the future, that is obviously a thought projection.  So does it really exist at all other than through thought trails going forward and backward (and every which way) from the current moment?