Lately I feel that conversations that I have with others are really conversations I am having with myself. I think back and the memory is blurry. Did they say that or did I think it? Were they talking about this or was I thinking about it? The paradox is that I often don’t feel comfortable talking to other people. I feel more comfortable with myself. It is hard for me to relate to others sometimes. So, if I am not comfortable with others, am I really comfortable with my self?
This blog allows the outlet of things that I feel, but I don’t feel sharing with people in person. This white page with black lines that appear when I press buttons on a keyboard. I know that other people will read this, but it is a detached reading. I don’t really know anyone that might read this in my personal life. There may be one or two that have stumbled upon this, but I am not sure.
I don’t feel that I am any closer to a full understanding than I was when I started this blog. I look out at the great expanse of the ocean. The other side seems close, but it has felt close for a while. My folly seems to be that the other side will get closer, the tide will go down, or I will walk along it far enough to a spot where I can jump over the water to the new land. But it goes on like this forever. Maybe it was never wider or closer at any point. Maybe it has always been the same distance and my perception brings the other side closer or pushes it further away.
I need to reset. I need to build a bridge, a boat, or just jump in and swim. I need to stop walking parallel to the shore. It gets me nowhere. The illusion of progress. I know what I need to do, but I don’t know how. Or I do, but I have been denying it and putting it off. I know I need to let go. Of everything. I need to trust in something beyond myself. I need to expand my circle beyond myself and my family.
My family and I were coming back from vacation and we were dropping off our car at the rental place and catching a cab to the airport. We were reliant upon the cab driver being at the place when we said or we would be late for our plane. I was worrying and rushing while driving. My wife said “It is out of your hands. There is nothing you can do, but drive and be where you need to be.” I find this a lot with travelling. There are so many things that are out of my control, but it doesn’t stop me from worrying about them. The flight being on time, the car rental place having my reservation, traffic… The list goes on. I can set things in motion, and I can react to what is in front of me. But really none of it is in my control.