Patience is not something that comes naturally to me. Patience in thought. Patience in action. Patience in anything. Even in starting to write this post, I am anxious to get whatever thoughts I have down on the screen before they are fully developed. Patience requires me to slow down and even stop when what I want to do is hit the gas. I am so eager to get there or through a situation that I sometimes miss some of the scenery alongside the road. I am so eager to breakthrough that I may have actually missed what it was I intended to accomplish.
I sometimes struggle with how much information to give someone vs. letting them figure it out on their own. This is both at work and at home with my kids. I guess it goes back to the whole “If you give a man a fish…” dealie. Continuing to give out free fish is putting me in a situation of being the fisherman. Not a bad occupation by any means, but it does get a little smelly and I have my eyes set on dry land.
It is most definitely a practice in patience. I get torn between wanting to get the task done and wanting to allow the person to learn (and ultimately leave me alone 🙂 ). I also don’t want the other person to think that I am dragging them along. If they get frustrated then it is of no use. They will dismiss everything that they are doing as busy work. The goal is that at the end they either know how to do it or have enough information to figure out how to do it on their own. It is a balancing act.
It is frustrating to me while doing this. I want to shake the person and say “Why don’t you know how to do this? Why am I the only one paying attention?”. I don’t. Luckily today everything has been through instant message, so it has allowed me to think more about my reaction. At some point the giving of information and letting people struggle becomes natural and I take over when needed. Or at least when I feel it is needed. This is all just an extension of my practice. Today I learn about patience and acceptance.
Of course, now the parallels come into play. If I am teaching others like this, how am I being taught? How much information am I being given vs. banging my head on the wall to find out on my own? And if I have that sort of abandoned feeling, is that just me being left to figure it out myself. The end result being that it is something that is more rewarding and more meaningful to me and my experience. Maybe I don’t get the exact correct answer or maybe I go about it a different way than is initially prescribed. The end result is the same. Eventually, the lesson is forgotten and we are left with our instincts on how to return.
My thoughts and anger seem to be consuming me this morning. People not reacting how I think they should. Feelings of inadequacy and worry. I try to think positive. I try to turn negative thoughts into positive ones. I try to convert my feelings of I don’t want to feel this way into I want to feel this way. Thoughts make feelings. Scattered thoughts = scattered feelings. I need to stabilize. I need to make my thoughts even, in all situations turn “I don’t want” into “I want”.
It wouldn’t be so bad if I didn’t feel like I was being punched in the throat every minute of the day. I want to feel confident. I want to get what I want. I want to be myself. I want to be knowledgeable, accepting, accepted. I can continue to list my wants forever. But them being wants still puts me in a position of wanting or lacking. It is always a thought of not having or never having enough.
So what then? How do I gain what I want without wanting it? Pretend that I already have it? If I put myself in a position of turning my wants into my haves then does the universe truly respond and give it to me? What is required for this? Patience. Acceptance. There is a time delay.
Thoughts manifest themselves into physical reality on a timeframe. Ask an artist. A painting does not appear at a thought. It takes effort and time to turn a mental thought into a physical representation. Piece by piece, if I allow it, I can see and be the transformation. The only limitation is my own thought and my own level of acceptance. An artist lost in his work adjusts his thoughts to reality and reality to his thoughts bridging the gap until there is no distinction. to an artist lost in his work, no time appears to have passed.
Realization that the path is laid out.
Realization that I am and have always been on that path.
Realization that everything is the path.
Realization that there is absolutely nothing to control.
I can just observe.
We all know.
We just forget.
There is nothing to forget.
There is nothing to remember.
Everything is unfolding as it should.
It has taken me a while and a lot of anger to get me to realize that not everyone knows what I know. That sounds logical on the surface that not everyone has had the same experiences that I have had, but in practice it has actually been more difficult for me. I have expectations of how people should react when I tell them something based on what I think that they should know. Whether it is at work or at home, I have found that especially if someone asks me how to do something, I should not take it for granted that they remember what I have told them before or that they have the same intuition on how to do something based on their past experiences that I might. They do not know what I think they should know. They know what they know. This is not a bad thing. The kicker is, the same is true for me. I do not know the same things that other people know, and I would want to be treated with kindness and understanding if someone was teaching me how to do something.