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realization

Houndstooth

English: Photo of jacket Polski: Zdjęcie marynarki

We went to a baby christening this weekend.  My wife dressed in a new outfit she got a few months ago, but has never worn, and I wore a dress shirt, slacks, and sports jacket from my collection of work attire from over the years.  Recently at work I have just been wearing jeans and dress shirts to be more casual, so the jacket was about 10 years old.  My wife had tried to nudge me to wear a different shirt, but I couldn’t find it.  She had made a comment about a different jacket, but I ignored it.  At the party after the christening, and more so in reflection, I felt out of place and shabby with the way I dressed.

I didn’t really think about it until last night, but one of the memories I have of my dad is him wearing the same suit to every semi-formal function like a wedding or a funeral.  It struck me that I have turned into my dad, or at least that aspect of him.  Not the suit wearing aspect, but the “I see that everything is OK, and we don’t need to spend money or time or thought on anything that I deem to be OK” aspect.  Don’t get me wrong, my dad is a great guy.  He is very smart and he provided well for my family, but I guess growing up we either want to be exactly like our dad or not.

Every man is trying to live up to his father’s expectation or make up for his father’s mistakes.

Barak Obama

Seeing myself wearing that same jacket that I have had for the past 10 years, and probably wore to the past couple semi-formal functions, really hit me.  I don’t want to be the guy whose suits and ideas never change.  I am not saying that I don’t want to be my father because there are a number of qualities that he has that I wish I had.  However, I want to be more dynamic.  My dad is selfless in many regards.  He often gives his time and money to help people out with their plumbing needs, even now in that he is in his 70s.  Growing up he was a workaholic, but he didn’t really spend a lot of close time with me.  He wasn’t able to say “I love you” and he would kid with me instead of talking to me.  He did what he could, and I don’t blame him for it.  He is a product of his father, just like I am a product of him.  We walk the karmic cycle generation after generation.

The realization of the jacket made me realize that I am clinging on to more than just a piece of clothing.  I am clinging on to an image of myself (and perhaps an image of my father).  Holding on to clothes, possessions, and ideas about the world and about myself.  I hate to throw away the jacket, but maybe it is time for something new.  Maybe it is time to get rid of all the old clothes and ideas that I have about myself and others.  All the ones that are worn, need replacing, or just don’t fit anymore.  There are plenty of things lying around that just need to be picked up and given to someone else or thrown away.  But yeah, maybe I’ll keep the jacket.  I’ll also listen to my wife more.  🙂

Wake Up Call

Good morning.  It’s time to wake up. You are clearly in the process of waking up, because you are constantly being exposed to reminders that you are awakening. This is another one of those reminders.

If you have read this far, then you are actually interested in waking up and are actively participating in your awakening, it is only a matter of time now. It is only a matter of now.

As you go about your awakening, just notice, how often you notice that it is now. You may notice your breath, you may notice your heart beating, you may hear a dog barking, a bell ring or a star in the sky. Anything can be a wake up call when you are awakening. The time is now. You are here. You are perfect. Welcome home.

http://zenfarmer.tumblr.com/post/36205849456/wake-up-call

Things like this really help me.  It feels like the cosmos is reaching out to embrace me.  Someone posting may not be targeting me directly, or maybe they are.

I have been paying more attention to groups of numbers lately trying to uncover a pattern.  I guess I am looking for a glitch in the matrix or some sort of message.  I know that is weird, but that is what I am paid to do.  I did some searches on the number patterns that I have seen and this site popped up.

http://www.godlikeproductions.com/forum1/message1465680/pg1

Very strange.  The site itself is strange.  Very obscure posts and underlying meanings.  It even admits in the header that it UFO’s, conspiracy theorists, and the lunatic fringe.  (Is that where I am now, the lunatic fringe?)  The post itself points to another thread on the site that is equally odd.  You can surf the links yourself, but one I would like to point out is a story that I have read before regarding someone that has just dies who is meeting with God.

http://galactanet.com/oneoff/theegg_mod.html

It is a very interesting story and one that I can identify with.  If I have been born before, I have no recollection of it.  I know that some people say that they do, but is that more than their imagination?  Since I am starting with a blank slate, how can I really build on what I have learned in prior lives?  I just have to trust that I am here now as a result of many births and deaths.  I can accept that I am interacting with different versions of myself.  Time is irrelevant and does not apply.  Being born earlier or later is not a punishment or a reward.  It is an experience.  If I am reborn within the same universe that must mean that the events are predetermined.  Or that everything that happens in one life does not necessarily have an impact on another.  The removal of the suffering of others is the removal of my own suffering.  The suffering that I see in others is suffering that I project on them.  The only way to alleviate their suffering is to not see them as suffering, but to see them as the perfect beings that they are.  Once I see them as that perfect being, I should be able to see myself as that perfect being.

Pre-Realization

I realized tonight that 10 years ago I almost had an experience like Tolle’s.

First a little background…

Growing up I had lucid dreams and semi-lucid ones at the end where I feel myself pulling through layers to return from the dream world to the waking world.  I have also been heavily interested in religion and in particular Revelations and what happens after we die.  At that time I had purchased “Wherever you go, there you are” by Jon Kabat-Zinn, and I was familiar with meditation and the lying down meditation in particular since that is the easiest for a beginner.

… So I was lying on my couch not really sleeping, but drifting some.  I felt a roller coaster rush and I was being pulled through a tunnel.  Those that have drunk before know how the darkness spinning can feel if you have had quite a few.  I was not drunk at the time, but it had a similar feel to that.  However, instead of darkness there were colors.

Quite honestly it scared me.  It felt like death, and I was not ready to die.  I was not ready for the experience that Tolle was able to accept.  I didn’t understand what was dying.

I do now.  I recognize that as the ego.  And in some ways I kick myself for not recognizing it then.  For not being able to accept it, but if it wasn’t for that experience and all those in between and before, I would not be writing this now.  I needed to swim in the sea of ego and ride the waves.

I am ready to swim to shore.

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